I have found that (aside from lying) the secret to successful social interaction, is revealing selective bits of yourself to people at certain times. Except for those perfect few friends you may or may not find, there will be a lot about one that people dislike. So one has to figure out what parts of oneself to show to certain others.
At a certain point, if necessary, one can reveal the bits about oneself that will annoy those friends, but they will accept it, though it would have caused them to leave and forget about one at the start of the relationship. The trick is to figure out what each person likes and dislikes by subtle hints, it seems.
I considered this because I had said a few things on a forum, and then on my 4th post or so, someone said that they liked me up until I had said that. Also, the same day I had talked to a person on an instant messenger service, and I tried a sort of formulaic way I introduce myself, ascertain their interests, and find something about which to talk.
It's not so fancy as that sounds, nor is it refined yet. But basically the thing that has worked to start several conversations/online relationships failed utterly. (I got blocked, lol)
Whenever I listen to a new band, I tend to listen to a few songs, and if I like them, I get their discography, and listen to it on loop without paying much attention until I realise I like certain songs. This usually takes 5-10+ plays of the discography, and anywhere from days to months, depending on if I remember/want to listen to them instead of something I already know and like.
I suspect that what really gets me into a band is some combination of certain songs I find I quite like, and certain lyrics I quite like for their wordplay/cleverness/my ability to relate to them. Also, I seem to sublimate song lyrics, and sometimes when someone says a word or phrase from the song, (or similar enough to the lyric) I play the song bit in my head and I tend to like the song more. This applies only when it's accidental, as of yet.
I wish I was better at social interaction.
ReplyDeleteI think your right that a part of it is being selective about what you say to whom, but I find it really interesting that some people don't think about it, just naturally are good socially, and others are the opposite. I've always been pretty sociable, but I have a really good friend who finds it really difficult, hates going to parties etc.
ReplyDeleteMeh, there's a lot of dorks on the internet, so don't pay too much attention to the people who "don't like you" and all that jazz.
ReplyDeleteI also wish I was better at social interaction
ReplyDeleteSocial interaction is overrated.
ReplyDeletehahaha, internet
ReplyDeleteBeing selective about what to reveal also gets very exhausting when there is just such a crazy long list of negatives to evade in conversation. Communication slows to a crawl and then dies altogether and here I am with zero real life friends. Bright Side: I bet you're doing better than I am. :p
ReplyDeleteI agree with this post for the most part, but there are some aspects that are, in my eyes, questionable. I'm conflicted regarding whether selective revelations are simply justified lying or falsification of the self. I mean, do you build a person up with the parts of yourself that you think they will like and then reveal something that would have driven him or her away if you did so initially? Also, if two people are incompatible due to some issue, why waste the time getting to know this person when the relationship is doomed? OR, does what you can and cannot tell someone about yourself signify how far your relationship with that person can go? I mean, at what point do you know that someone has been adequately prepped to have a curve ball thrown at them?
ReplyDelete@ dirge: I had also considered that it is somewhat akin to lying. After all, hiding inconvenient truths in other regards does not usually go over well.
ReplyDeleteYou do not necessarily need to reveal the parts of one self that would have driven them away. In one case, the person I was talking to much disliked puns (I asked, rather than saying one, luckily). I would just refrain from making them, if I thought it was a big deal, which it would be, to someone who doesn't know me at all.
As to why waste the time, well, perhaps one likes the person, or one needs a connection, or one feels the need to try to be friends (or just amicable) with everyone they meet. More than that, I could not guess, at the moment.
Depending on the thing, it should indeed signify how far the relationship can go.
I think the point at which the revelation is made is when one feels that, if the person can not get over the revelation's contents, then they should no longer be considered friends, etc., because one feels that at a certain level of friendship, this is an important thing to know.
Or possibly the point can be the supposed peak of the relationship signified by the "secret" (lol) itself.
I guess you can't really know for sure when they are adequately prepared. I mean heck, people reveal transgendered-ness loooong into a relationship, when would someone be ready for that?
@The Wyrdrem: The transgender example is an interesting one. I would certainly feel wronged if, say, a year into a relationship my partner suddenly said, "Hey, I used to be a man!" Friendships are one thing, but as far as intimate relationships go that kind of thing has to be clear immediately.
ReplyDeleteIt's simply nonsense to think that transgendered people aren't living lies. They can make their appearances match the person inside, which I am in full support of, but the fact remains that they are what they were born as. That is a truth that must be made evident to any person that a transgender person takes a romantic interest in before anything else. They can lie to themselves all they want, but not to a love interest.
I'm inclined to imagine that transgender people may have a difficult time finding relationships when they have such a dramatic secret. However, that does not justify withholding that secret from somebody who is being led to believe that they are involved in a certain kind of relationship. In short, I find it hard to believe that there is really any point at which a person would be ready to find out that their partner used to be a different gender. It's irresponsible and vain to hope that connecting with someone deeply will mitigate the harm brought about by the grand revelation.