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Mostly thoughts from a time before I began to change myself.
But I'm changing that.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Realisations, Insights

into myself, but every time something is realised about someone, the same can be said of many people. So I tend to stumble across facets of human nature.

I like writing about myself... I think it's because that I introspect and bring forth things that I know about myself, but never really analyse and consider. I just provided a perfect example of it, even! I knew, but never considered, that I like writing about myself, and only just now figured out why that is. [It's introspection with more than usual thought, that comes unusually naturally (oxymoron, ha) in a chain of thought.] 

It is easier to remember/control/examine one's thoughts when they are expressed rather than kept inside. It is habit to think of something one does as natural, but when it is exposed and compared to the outside world, it can be examined more closely and easily, in relation to being compatible with one's idea of proper/prudent behavior.
(I just realised another reason a diary can be handy...)

This has led to my telling certain people about facets of myself, most often when they have said something that provoked the thought that led to the realisation. I always took this as natural/what I do, but perhaps I should keep more to myself, or leave it less to chance.

I've come to realise I want more human interaction. (I was about to say need, but we'll get to that in a bit.) 
I want to tell someone/everyone when something happens that I think is significant.
I want to tell someone when something affects just me, but people get tired of that, so I tend to keep it to myself or tell one person. (usually a different person every time)
I want to tell someone when I realise something about myself that tends to affect a noticeable part of how I act.
I want to tell someone/everyone else >_> when someone acts/reacts in a way that I find ridiculous, until I get some insight into why they acted that way. 
[Although sometimes I just need some perspective on whether either side actually was being ridiculous, for my peace of mind.]

At the same time, I'm pretty content with not saying much, fairly often/for long periods of time. I suppose I do not like saying anything I feel is insignificant.

I wonder where the line should be drawn between want and need. We only strictly need nutrition and excercise for life. I suppose one can say that one can list needs for flourishing, or for best, happiness, contentment. 
(But I always feel that I only want to use the word need when there is a true need for something.) 
The only exception I make, without even thinking about it until now, is when I say I need to do something, or get something. That's for simplicity's sake to express a perceived obligation, which counts to me, I suppose.

I got a feeling of ascendant disinterest today. 
[I have previously become disinterested in many things, and today, the remainder, pretty much]
I finished up to the current chapter in Berserk, but it got stale a few chapters before the end. I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, and I couldn't think of anything. I wonder if this will persist, but I can not really think of anything I WANT to do. I can conceive of possibilities, like wanting to read something fantastic, or watch something fantastic. Maybe I've just become more numb to what's kind of good and I want what's really good, but I don't know what that is.

After being in this state for a few hours, I figured out that it may become an impetus for me to actually begin creating, because I do not like mediocre entertainment, and may prefer work to wasting time, even if I have a strong disinterest in work. 
My interest in novelty arises somewhat from my strong aversion for repetition, staleness, formula. This instinct will likely spur me to invent and innovate and create.

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